C.P., 44

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My life in a nutshell:

• I care about my kids, my career, and my husband (but he can take care of himself)
• I’m a professional (freelance) clarinetist
• 75% of my anxiety is over where the next gig is coming from, and I sometimes wonder if freelancing is worth “the hustle”
• I hate practicing but enjoy the performance
• a professor once told me I should be a comedian
• I hate “Plastics. Fake People.”
• It’s freeing knowing that the older I get I don’t have to hang out with anyone I don’t want to. I may have to work with you and be civil, but I don’t need new friends, I’ve got my friends.
• I named my second son after my mentor in grad school, which he said he felt “kind of weird” about
• a significant hardship I endured is being in a car accident in 1996, which set me back in school and auditions for a year
• I look back fondly on any family time
• I’m a movie trivia aficionado, and people will not play with me
• I want people to respect me as a person and as a player
• I hope for health, financial stability and general happiness in the future

C.P.’s story

The chaos of the school rush has just ended, and the slow, heavy tension of morning traffic has begun to lift when C.P. walks into a coffee shop on Eglinton West. The cafe is quiet, with few other customers, and the diminutive blonde, who stands north of five feet, orders her coffee in hushed tones, trying not to draw too much attention.

In fact, nothing about C.P.’s appearance this morning is designed to be attention grabbing. Her face is not made up, her hair isn’t styled, and her clothes consist of a neutral sweater and jeans. In some respects, it’s hard to imagine this woman craving the spotlight. And yet, life in the limelight is what C.P. lives for.

“Just me, standing on a box on a stage, playing by myself for about five minutes, which doesn’t seem like a long time, but it’s a long time.”

With glowing eyes, the freelance musician recalls a moment from a year ago, where the conductor of the North Bay Symphony planned a program around her.

“There was a huge clarinet part and a huge clarinet solo. It was like the C.P. concert. And what I was amazed about is that I didn’t freak out, I didn’t pass out. I had done all the work that I could do and it came out just as I wanted. And that’s why you put up with all the bullshit, freelancing.”

Luminous moments like these keep C.P. going in a career that can take its toll on even the most thick-skinned.

“We have extreme highs and extreme lows,” she says. “It’s definitely not a career for those with an easily-bruised ego.”

While at first glance C.P. might appear shy or introverted, it soon becomes evident she has a lively, animated personality. She laughs and laughs often, and is quick with a joke.

When asked how she thinks people view her, she says, “Energetic, spunky, fun, outgoing, extroverted and happy, like I’m a little elf and I’m happy all the time.”

And then with a bark of a laugh, she adds, ”Not true!”

It is hard to be happy all the time in a profession that is so competitive, given the scarcity of permanent jobs. C.P. admits she is occasionally plagued by worries over getting the next gig.

“I’m at a certain level, and I wonder, ‘Why? Why are they getting called and not me? Is it me as a person or me as a player?’ And that’s when I get anxiety. ‘Do they not like me? Do they not like my playing?’ It’s your identity.”

C.P. has been playing the clarinet for more than 30 years, so it’s not hard to imagine why she associates the instrument with her identity. She first picked up the woodwind when she was an 11-year-old Grade 6 student.

“The teacher said — ‘Hey, you’re pretty good at this’, and the flattery sucked me in,” she says with a smile. “I had something I was good at; and plus, I got out of class, so it sucked me in.”

Despite the fact both of her parents were teachers in her hometown, Waterloo, Ontario, C.P. says she hated school. But the clarinet inspired her, and her passion for the instrument took her all the way through graduate school.

“When I get to play stuff like Mahler and Beethoven, and you hear all the layers that go into it, it’s amazing,” she says.

Apart from music, C.P.’s other passion is her children. She has two young boys in grade school, whom she loves beyond measure. Still, she admits parenting also causes her some degree of anxiety.

“Every day I am worried I’m failing my kids, and I don’t think that will ever go away. I don’t think that I’ve done enough. I never feel like I’ve done enough for them,” she says.

C.P. says when she practices her instrument she sees immediate results. However, she says she won’t know for years — maybe even decades — whether she’s raising her boys right.

“Are they fed properly? Are they getting their homework done? Are they practicing piano? Are they watching too much tv? Are they having too much tablet time? Am I doing this right?”

At times her marriage also causes C.P. some unease.

“It’s like freelancing. You have your extreme highs and your extreme lows. I’m for it, but it’s hard,” she says with a laugh.

C.P. met her husband at her 28th birthday party, and has been with him ever since. But she describes how much she — and their lives — have changed since they first met 16 years ago.

“What happens from going from blissfully dating, blissfully engaged, and then the first few years are amazing — and then you don’t agree on anything. Why did it get so hard?”

She says there are many little resentments that can build over the years, particularly when you’re juggling career and family.

“It’s unravelled to a point, or it’s morphed to a point, where I have to stop it from morphing anymore. I think he probably feels the same way. It’s morphed to this point that I worry that if it morphs anymore it won’t last. But it takes work from not just one person, but both people.”

It is an uneasy admission for a woman who says, apart from performing, family is what makes her happiest. Her husband is Greek and C.P. comes from an Italian background, and moments with extended family bring them both joy.

“All the time we spend with family, weddings, even funerals, birthdays and holidays — it’s always noisy and big and fun.”

While they are not a “smug married couple”, C.P. says her husband has been supportive of her, despite the fact sporadic work does not always pay the bills.

“Without him, I would not be able to play. Thankfully, he’s not mean about it,” she says.

C.P. gave up full-time work when she had children because of the cost of childcare. She says given her workload at home, freelance work is all she can manage at the moment.

“I’m 44 and I’m going up against 26-year-olds who don’t have to work, and they can practice eight hours a day. I’m lucky if I can practice eight hours a week. So that’s why I’m happy doing what I’m doing.”

And C.P. does count herself happy.

“Why? I’m where I want to be. Not physically. I hate Toronto. Seriously,” she says with a smile. “But I would say I’m content and it took me to getting over 40 to say — ‘I’m okay. I have a good thing going, I think.’”

And despite the highs and lows of freelancing, she says she still enjoys her moments on the stage, when all the “blood, sweat and tears” are worth it.

“We remember the good times. The bad times we remember for about an hour and then we drink it away,” she says.

C.P. pauses for a moment and the laughter fades, before she adds, “I always said when it becomes work, I was going to stop.”